Confessions of an Intoxicated Mom in Quarantine

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First off, I’d like to say I’m only on my third glass of wine for the night. In normal life, that would be excessive, but in quarantine life, it sounds about right.

Let me just say that I, in no way am condoning drinking as a coping mechanism to get through quarantine, because that’s not what this is. I am being BRUTALLY honest with how I am dealing.

I am struggling.

Like most of you.

The word, struggle is the most elegant verb I can come up with and the embarrassing reality of how many times I’ve hit the backspace button so far further confirms the struggle.

I’m used to a routine like most. One that, in my circumstance, also includes being a single mother. So while I’m used to having my children half of the time, it also means I either spend some much needed time alone or I am out conversing with friends and peers in order to distract myself from my demons when I’m not with my children.

I live a complete double life. I am a mother, teacher to my children, nurturer, chef (not a cook by a long shot), bather and dental hygienist in one half of this life. Then I am a best friend, nurturer, giver and taker (not gonna lie) of other things we need not mention. It’s a weird world I live in but not boring by any means.

Like everyone, I am not perfect. I’m a mental health professional who single handedly left her traditional, perfect life at the age of 34 to live a life of authenticity and freedom. I was years into taking on my true self and conquering fears I never knew I had.

Then my relationship ended and I was facing starting all over again.  Ok, no big deal, except it was. Healing alone was like being a doctor stitching up her own gaping wound. First I had to feel the pain, accept it, then learn how to stitch an actual wound and practice diligently daily. And guess what? I DID IT!

I was in the midst of getting my life back together when Covid19 hit and decided to put us all in our place. Trying to understand what it really was and how serious, took a good week or two for me, how ’bout you?

Once I realized that it was so bad my kids’ school was closing, oh and also the rest of America’s, I understood that shit was about to get real. Like, real, real, real.

I didn’t do the panic buying the first week because I do a really good job of this thing called denial in order to protect myself from reality. It served me well because greedy toilet paper hoarders were amongst the fucking idiots out in the world. I am anxious by nature so this wasn’t going to be a good look for me.

Waiting was a good move on my part and I was able to hit the grocery store without issue. The only problem was, I have two boys who I didn’t realize would eat me out of house and home before 7 days was up.

Side note: The backspace button is getting the MOST use right now under this Cabernet Sauvignon.

Anyway, point being, I started to realize how serious this was.

Reality set in, I was a week in and things were looking grim on the mental health front. I realized mediation every other day wasn’t going to cut it. This pandemic was going to force a bitch (the wine talking) to confront A LOT of issues surrounding being alone during a viral outbreak, cause that’s normal, right?

I stopped sleeping much before this pandemic and it’s continued throughout. But it’s getting better as I stay spiritually connected.

I started to wake up consistently before my kids woke up to meditate and workout. Not a huge task you’d think, but one that honestly has saved my sanity.

If you’re like me and you’re one of those women who seeks to know herself spiritually on all frequencies, you’ll also understand that this moment in the morning is the yummiest of any part of the day.

I wake up, burn my sage or Palo Santo, burn my incense and mediate. It’s a moment for me to let go of all expectations, attachments and burdens I have been hanging onto from the days prior. Probably sounds weird to some, trust me, I used to be you, but it’s life changing.

I shower while listening to an inspirational talk about Letting Go, every morning. Then I blast my music and continue to feed my soul with love and light. I talk to spirit constantly all day. I mean, I’ll stop what I’m doing and have a full on conversation with my spirit guides and ask for validation or a sign. We’re best friends at this point because, COVID19. Who else is going to comfort me in these moments who isn’t also going crazy? NO ONE!

My faith in my connection to spirit has been EV-ERY-THING. You don’t have to be spiritually connected to understand what I’m sayin because this feeling of defeat is universal. This feeling of the unknown is one that we really don’t have a choice but to connect and say, I FUCKING FEEL YOUR PAIN!

Am I drinking more? YES! Am I working on that? EH, not really right now. And I have no guilt. Am I eating more than average? YUP! And guess what? No guilt there either! Am I less of a productive, perfect mother? YES MA’AM! But my kids are fed, educated, clean and alive, so I’m winning.

If this month of quarantine has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t need much.  I need my children, my spiritual connection, my few connections outside myself and transparent motherfucking, honesty for those who need it.

You guys, I don’t know what the hell is about to happen. All I know is we have little control over this. But the control we do have should be handled with responsibility and care. Anything else, all we can do is go inward and try our hardest to explore and expand our inner peace.

Shit is wild but know you’re not alone. We are all going mad, we are all scared and we are all hoping this is over soon. Remember, this is a time you’ll never get back. So whether you spend it reflecting, connecting, drinking, smoking, worrying, crying, hoping, eating, sleeping or what have you, know it’s normal. Know you’re right where you’re supposed to be and the rest of us have no idea what the fuck to do either.

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