Soul Searching: The Good, the Bad and the Guts

Soul searching is no joke! I feel like I’ve been on a quest for years now and I can’t believe the person I’m becoming….feels like I’m meeting myself for the first time.

When I was in therapy at one point in my life, I remember my therapist asking “who and what do you see when you look in the mirror?” My answer immediately was “I have no idea!”

I really didn’t have a clue who I was, what I stood for, what I wanted, what I didn’t want, or what my boundaries were! It all just seemed too impossible and overwhelming!

I literally felt like I was at the bottom of a mountain looking straight up at the top, and realizing for the first time how much work it was going to take to get to there!

I was told over and over that I had to take it day by day, step by step, but it didn’t seem possible! How would I know I was going to learn everything I needed to learn? How did I know I would make the right decisions?

How was I going to survive?

I’m still climbing! I’m still trying to figure it out!

I’ve faced what I thought was an impossible amount of fears! I’ve been down the dark road and back struggling with decisions, agonizing over others and what I really stood for.

I completely cracked, broke and fell to pieces. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have such an enormous amount of love and support surrounding me, that I was able to pick myself back up, slowly put the pieces back together and with an incredible amount of work and strength, be able to move forward.

Our past can be so painful, so hurtful and so sad, but does that define who I am today? Not in the least!

I used to let my past define me and direct me through life. When you do that, you are more than likely going to repeat your history or someone else’s history in which deep down you want to change.

How many of us have been told that we are “just like” so and so in a negative way? Either in your family or a close surrounding person?

This is because we think we don’t know any different. Truth is, we know different, we are just scared to death to change! What if I lose friends? What if I lose family? What if I’m not good enough?

What if I succeed? Then what?

When I made changes in my life in order to better who I am, some people didn’t like it! I was faced with what I feared the most! These weren’t just friends who I could let go of, these were family!

People who I love and trusted at one point in my life. People who I used to let manipulate me, and control me because I wanted to make them happy, even though I knew it was wrong.

When it was time for me to “face the music,” come out of denial and make some changes, it was a battle I wasn’t prepared for.

I was beaten down emotionally and didn’t know if I could take much more.

This is where transformation begins. When you put your hands up and give up control. Start speaking your truth and giving your secrets away!

I was a woman of many secrets that weren’t mine to hold on to. I held onto them to prove my love for others. I kept them as if they were mine and my burden. I stressed over them and became ashamed of them as if they were mine.

This was torment on my soul! To give up those secrets, I had to give up the people. My well-being, my happiness and my peace came first.

If I had a fighting chance at breaking the cycle, I had to step out of the dysfunctional relationships and start living my own truth!

I am here today, still fighting, still learning and growing every day! I am the best I have ever been and more peaceful than I could have imagined!

It’s amazing what is happening to my soul! My spirit is stronger than ever and I have a firm grasp on who I am, what I stand for, what I want, what I don’t want and what my boundaries are! I have been blessed and I am thankful every day!

Soul searching is no joke!

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