Loving Two

It’s been on my mind since I’ve moved past the first scary months of pregnancy and I haven’t been so sure how I feel about it.  I’m pretty much an open book when it comes to my feelings but when it comes to something so personal, it’s one of those things that I didn’t feel comfortable talking about until I could sort out my own feelings.

When I was pregnant with my first son, I was overjoyed and giddy about all of the unexpected of a new baby and first time motherhood.  There was nothing more exciting than receiving the gift of life that myself and my husband created! It’s a miracle! It’s something I’ve always thought about and fantasized about and here it was, coming true!  There were no hesitations, no doubts, no real worries, just bliss!

I’m equally as giddy and overjoyed about this second pregnancy and really couldn’t be happier, but it’s a much different experience this time around.  I have this little man, this little soul, little face that is my best friend in the whole world.  If I never accomplished another thing in my life, he is enough, he is more than enough, he is everything and I could die feeling like I made the most magnificent human being ever created.  I know this is how all mothers feel and I am just apart of that club, but I truly believe that this little person is magnificent!  So here I am, pregnant with my second after I’ve experienced the most incredible love I could ever imagine….how does that happen again?  How will I love another being as much as I love him?  All of these emotions and questions have been building inside of me and the moment I think of it and look at my son, I just wonder how he will feel.  Will he feel sad, like I don’t love him?  I can’t even bear the thought of him having one reservation about my love for him.

A friend of mine suggested I read a poem called “Loving Two.”  I looked it up and read it and it said everything I have been feeling or could be feeling.  It brought me to complete ugly tears but it made so much sense to me and I realized that I’m not the first mother in the world to feel this way.  I’ve been feeling a little guilty because I am so busy with my son who is already here, that I haven’t been as focused on this actual pregnancy the way I was with my first.  Then I wondered, will my unborn son have a complex if I don’t have as many stories in his baby book or as many pregnancy pictures this time around?  After reading the poem which is by an unknown author, I realized it doesn’t matter.  It will all happen and work out the way it’s worked out for every other mother out there of more than one child.  It’s natural and we, as mothers in mind, body and soul are such warriors and miracle makers ourselves, it will all just happen the way everything else just happens.  The way we instantly loved our child the second they were born, without even knowing them yet and how we would die just so they wouldn’t feel pain.  It’s the way we are built and it’s just natural.

I wasn’t planning on discussing this at all, but once I read that poem, I knew I wasn’t the first, I won’t be the last, but I definitely didn’t want to keep it to myself.  I’m sure many of you can relate to this and if you do and haven’t spoken about it, please don’t feel weird or ashamed.  It’s all apart of life and what’s so amazing is that we have no idea what is about to hit us! We have no idea of the amount of love we are about to experience again!  I am more excited and less fearful now and know it will all be ok.

If you haven’t read the poem “Loving Two” I’ve pasted it below, enjoy…and grab a kleenex!

Loving Two
As I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: How could I ever love another child as I love you?
Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me” And I hear myself telling you in mine,”I can’t,” knowing, in fact, that I never can again.
You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.
But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying her — as though I am betraying you.
But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.
More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two.
There are new times — only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you — as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments.
And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you — only differently.
And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you — you each have your own supply.
I love you — both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.

13 thoughts on “Loving Two

  1. Brynn says:

    Great post! Completely captures how I'm feeling right now, just a couple weeks out from bringing #2 into the world. And that poem– Kleenex is right!

    Like

  2. Jen says:

    I am ten weeks pregnant, today. As I try to type this, by almost 15 month old is alternating between swatting at the keyboard and trying to pull down my shirt. For the first week and a half, after finding out I was pregnant with our second baby, I was devastated. For many reasons. Still nursing our daughter, suddenly my milk supply almost was gone. She screamed at every feeding, thrashing her head back. I cried at night, feeling leaden with guilt that I had to share my love… how could I do this to my daughter. How could Iet her down like that? I can relate so strongly to what you type… As some time has passed, my baby grows in my belly, I grow more and more in love with him/her, excited for the moment my heart swells with love, the instant he/she is born. I am not devastated any longer – my milk supply is back, I am still able to nurse our daughter; my anticipation grows with each new day, truly grateful for the two children I will cherish and love beyond words. Thank you for sharing your real, true, raw feelings. Lots of Love, Jen

    Like

  3. Random life says:

    This is an amazing post.
    I am not a mother and not even close to being it so I don't even know what it feels like to give the gift of life and love someone that much.
    But I can still remember when my brother was born, I was almost 6years old. and I absolutely hated him, hated the idea of him, hated that he was taking time and attention from my parents, that before was all mine. With time, I grew to like him and slowly started being the protective older sister. Today, I can tell you my life without him would mean nothing. I love him more than anything and anyone. He might have taken some of my parents time when he was younger, but he gave me a shoulder to cry one for the rest of my life; a best friend who would never betray me. Someone who is always going to be there. Now I blame my parents for not having more kids :p
    You are going to love him in a completely different way, I saw how my parents loved my brother. it was different, but it was just as much love. Your sons will grow to have each others backs and you can know that no matter what happens they're gonna look after each other.

    Like

  4. Teri Garber George says:

    I am a mother of 3 and let me assure you that each of them get as much love as when I only had my first baby. You learn that it's just something that you do, and it comes naturally. Much luck to you.

    Like

  5. SHIDEK says:

    Though am a young man in my mid twenties & noot thinking of marriage yet let alone having kids..this story & poem appeals to me so much & until now I never knew that parents do feel that kinda guilt but I know for certain that its only a mother that can love 10 or more kids at a time & all 10 of them would still have her entire love..Mother's love is superb & irrevocably d true love…shdk!

    Like

  6. Anonymous says:

    awww, this is how I felt before I had my second daughter. I felt like I could never love another child as much as my first daughter, but once she was born both of our lives changed and now they r 2 and 3. I love them both so much and they r best friends too. I love seeing them play together and knowing that my husband and I created them is even more of a miracle. I love life because of them and thank God for them everyday!

    Like

  7. Anonymous says:

    May 4,2012
    Alison, thank you for sharing this poem.I can totally relate.My kids are 13 months apart. I had so much
    guilt for not able to take my Son out or do the usual things we used to do( just the two of US) due to my complicated pregnancy.My kids are my blssings from above and I love them both very much.They are my love, my life, my everything.

    Like

  8. Alison says:

    I'm genuinely so happy that this post reached so many people! I'm even happier that so many can relate! It's definitely a process just going through the emotions during pregnancy and the anticipation of what is coming. I'm excited and eager to be on the other side when my family is enjoying each other as a family of 4. Thank you for all of your comments, they are so appreciated!

    Like

  9. Anonymous says:

    Thank you, I have the most beautiful 4 month old baby girl and I just found out I am having my second baby. I love my daughter more than life itself and I feel so guilty because I feel like I am cheating her out of my time with her. Although I still feel guilty and cried the whole time I read this I know that I am not the only one that has gone through this. I now realize that I probably would have these same feelings no matter how old my daughter is. I was planning on waiting about a year before having another baby but I don't think any amount of time would change this. My daughter will have someone else to love as well as someone else to love her

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s